sometimes i feel miserable, and just want the comfort of somebody, anyone, to tell me that things will be alright. but either there is no such person, or the person doesn't have the words to comfort me. and sometimes i don't want to hear words, especially when i already know what words can be said. it's just the usual hang in there, cheer up. sometimes they ring hollow more than providing comfort. and then cause people glimpsed my panic, know i'm clutching at straws, and are worried, i feel obliged to smile and tell them, don't worry, i'm strong and i'll be ok. when i'm not. when all i want is to hide cowardly in my blanket and wait for a warm hand to give me courage to face this scary world. sometimes running away for a short while is my only redemption, the only way i can continue moving forward. as i grow up, i fear the adult world more than i look forward to it. cause i would be forced to be strong, to be independent. and i once thought i could. but now i realise my vulnerability. and i can't help it. i don't know how to cover it up, my vulnerability is exposed, out in the open. and it scares me that i cant hide my vulnerability in a world where i'm supposed to be tough. i don't want to always feel affected by some things.

sometimes i hear people say that i should study hard, then i can do what i want. and i think to myself, bullshit. i would always be doing something for money, to pay the bills, to pay off the mortgage, to pay off the loan i took from my parents, monetray and otherwise. i would never have time to myself, not even till the day i die. cause unless i strike it rich, like Bill Gates rich, otherwise i'm destined to be a working class slave, working to feed myself, not for a dream. living cause i don't have the courage to die. no matter how we imagine we will lead a better life than what we are leading now, we can't really expect to all be living a jetsetting lifestyle, cute kids, good pay, good life.

i no longer know what i want. i don't even want a stable job. i want my family to be safe and happy. but it's not really in my powers to make them so. i want to be with my darling, living together in a home of our own, but reality would always mean it ain't going to be as wonderful as i imagined. i want my children to be healthy, happy, preferably intelligent. but again, who am i to decide.

bullshit. don't tell me life is in my control.